Work has been pretty frustrating to me lately, and I am trying to really get over it so I can just move on. I have the tendency to care too much so if something does not go my way, I get really emotional. I feel like the effort and thought I put into it is just gone. And, if the alternative is just plain wrong (in my opinion), I just feel defeated and disengaged.
I am thinking now — how to not give a fuck?! How can I just do what I am supposed to do, and really do it well. Why do I try to care for things that are not under my control or job? I really need to step back and have a good look about things that I should give my time and devotion. I need to learn when to speak my mind and when I should just shut up. If it fails, it fails. If it prospers, good job to whoever thought of it.
Still thinking how I can nip it from the start. Thoughts?
I have lost some focus lately. I am way behind on my chores and my ever growing to-do list. Work is slowing things down as well, but I know that I need to be focused again and not lose the drive to reach my goals this year. I have not been tracking my diet so I also need to be diligent on that as well. At least, one accomplishment I had this week was setting up Trello for work and personal life and automated some of the recurring activities I do. IFTTT is amazing.
On another note, I really suffer from analysis paralysis. I just cannot decide on things easily. Yesterday, I spent an hour checking hair dryers in Target because I can not decide which one I should get. I really need to work on that. Mental note: Read about LPT on analysis paralysis.
I think I went overboard with meal prepping this weekend. I cooked 2 steaks, 5 chicken breast dishes, chicken adobo, rice, and also made ensaymada. I do love my sous vide because I was able to do different marinades for my chicken in one go! So that was pretty good.
I met up with Small Drew for lunch today today. The last time I saw him was during Louisville! I can’t believe it’s been that long. Well, I have not been playing volleyball so that was a big contributing factor. Speaking of volleyball, I played last Thursday in LA Fitness so I can also give Jamie my donation. I played terribly as predicted. I think it’s time to start looking into the fundamentals again and relearn proper mechanics. Yesterday, I met up with Brian and I also met up with JV over coffee and gym. See, I can be social.
I remember one article called Showing Up: The Single Most Important Thing a Friend Can Do. As we age and we get caught up in our lives, one thing a friend can probably do is just to be there. I liked this because I think that’s what friendship is. Having interest and being able to be there for you. Not all the time, and you might just see each other a few times, but you still show up. Before I sleep (it’s 1130!), I leave this quote I found that is apt:
We got a long weekend because of MLK Day. Unfortunately, it was also bad weather weekend. Friday night there was snow and so was Monday. So, I didn’t really do much but I just went to the usual gym and did some grocery runs and I had dinner yesterday at green papaya.Something notable so over the week and less about my cooking. On Saturday, I attempted to make focaccia but it was a fail. My dell didn’t rise up so I had to throw it away. The next day though I got another recipe for focaccia and it was very successful. Thank you Paul Hollywood for the recipe!
Then yesterday, I made cha misua. I’ve been craving it for a few years now because the last time I ate it was in 2016. I can only eat it when my mom would cook it. I asked her for the ingredients because she doesn’t keep a recipe and then I found another recipe online which I tried. It was OK. It did not taste like how my mom makes it but it would suffice for now. Irene tried it earlier and I knew it lacked in seasoning. I guess attempt 2 will be the deciding factor.
I felt a bit lonely this evening. May usual issue bubbled up this evening but I was able to manage it a bit by doing some deep breathing and watching YouTube videos. I’m glad that I can somewhat cope already when the ruminations appear, but at the same time, I feel inadequate because I am just coping but not really fixing why I feel this way. I am not sure if it’s something that I can fix ever. I need to learn how to pivot and define my own definition of success and not really think about what others are achieving. Just take it one day at a time and hope that it gets better.
I stumbled upon aphantasia in Reddit and I realized that how I “imagine” is not normal. I never knew it is not how people do it. Aphantasia is a condition where you cannot form mental images in your mind. I cannot conjure an image of my friends or family in my head, but I just know it though from memory.
Growing up, I’ve always thought I had very poor imagination. I cannot write/draw the same thing over and over again. I struggle with creating art because I cannot really have a picture in my mind that I can reference with. What I think today will be different later on. But, if I have an image or something to copy, I can pretty much do it. It’s pretty weird. For example, I know what the color blue is. But, I cannot visualize the sky for example that’s color blue. The feeling is like you close your eyes, and you still see some light and it just moves around. That’s about it. I never saw colors in my mind and dreaming for me is a rarity. The interesting though is that when I read, I can “imagine the scene” but it has no color and no details. I just know the the scene but I could not retain it at all.
This coming week, I will not watch any YouTube videos or watch things online. I will read and let my mind wander around and see if I really have aphantasia or I just cannot imagine anymore because of all the media I consume.
I did not put down my goals for 2017 last year. I know I wrote it when I was in DC, but I just was not able to post it somehow. That’s the past so it’s time to move on to the future. If I can write down the theme of 2018, it’s going to be back to basics. I want to just focus on myself really. It’s back to defining who am I as a person, and how I show up in life. I need to easily say what are my passions and what makes me unique.
I need to learn how to be focused once again and build a habit of productivity.
I need to remove this addiction to noise – unnecessary data. This obssession to unattainable things that really does not provide value.
I need to grow personally and professionally. I need to be able to answer questions like “is this really important to me?” or “why is this important to YOU?”
I need to face my fears and be uncomfortable.
All of this really goes back to one thing… I need to value myself more.
Here are some tangible items I want to achieve:
- Meet savings target
- Travel to London
- Reduce app usage
- Attend *real* classes
- Learn a new hobby
- Blog 50 or more times this year
- Lean gains to 145 lbs and bulk up
- Attend a new meetup group and socialize
- Read books
- Conquer a fear/trigger
- Fix my house
- Exercise career options
It’s the end of another year and it’s time to look back at what happened and feel something about it. Usually, I am overwhelmed with negative feelings due to my insecurities and life outlook that I fail to see that I had some successes and things I should be grateful about in life. I get into some holiday blues that just drains out the motivation in me. I feel a bit different this time. I do not feel an immense sadness this time around. I’ll take what I can.
I will just try to look on the positive things and see where this will go. I think one of my biggest accomplishment is improving my fitness level by getting into intermittent fasting. I started the year with around 154 lbs and I am now hovering at 137 lbs. I know yearly, I would try a diet and see how this will affect me for a month or so (i.e. Paleo, Whole30), but this is the only thing that I stuck to until today. It was an easy concept — you only eat your required calorie targets within an 8-hour window and then you fast for 16 hours. Basically, I would eat from 12pm to 8pm only. I have always been particular to what I eat thanks to my Whole30 days, and that skill helped in looking at the nutrition information and really use that data to be intentional in managing my weight.
Getting back into volleyball is another win for me. After my knee issues and PRP shot last year, I had to quit volleyball completely until March 2017. I started to play again by that time when I gave up doing my PT sessions and just really focused on it personally. I think this made me more mindful about my physical limitations. I realize that I am older and my body is not the same from 10 years ago. I need to protect it and make sure that it lasts me another 10 to 20 years.
Lastly, facing my emotional and anxiety issues was another big win for me. The second half of the year was very tough for me and it reached a point that it really became unbearable. I did not blog a lot because all the swirling thoughts was just getting to me. It had to stop and really get away from all the ruminations. It was such a big sigh of relief for me when I went to my doctor and helped me manage it. At the same time, starting some therapy was also another venue of confronting my inner demons. But, I do not think that I am well after going to my doctor and therapist. I still have struggles and my self-perception is still a bit skewered. I have learned to silence my mind or not let my thoughts take over. It was really about finding the effective way for me to live with it and eventually correct it.
Those were the biggest wins and at the same time, the times where I learned more about myself. If I can sum up 2017, it is the year of rediscovery and relearning again. There were many things that made me go “aha!” especially about accepting my limitations and who I am. I learned that I need more focus. I have to realize my strengths as a person and use them to make me more successful. I have to be more present and not let “mindspeak” take over my life. It is still a work in progress because it has not really reached the point that I am able to successfully manage my demons or stay grounded. It is really one of my 2018 key goals but that is another post waiting to be written.