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Missing motivation

I have been feeling overwhelmed with a strong feeling of helplessness. I like being able to fix something and I feel good about it. I think that’s why I enjoy being in IT. I am able to fix problems. I like being able to remove barriers even if it’s a thankless job. So the opposite is also distressing. I really spiral out of control if I feel helpless or if I feel that I cannot do something to fix something. My brain tries to find paths to a viable solution but I just cannot connect. But at the same time, objectively speaking, I feel that is not the case. I have the resources at my disposable to do something. What’s missing is the energy that pushes me towards a solution. Inertia. All I do is waste around and get stuck in a rut. What I know is that it’s a mindset. It’s not a fact. I just do not have the drive to lift a finger and be that agent of change. I do not feel driven or motivated to do that. And that is the biggest thing missing right now — the ability to spark and keep one’s motivation. Other find it easy to jumpstart their inner fire and just get things done but I just do not have that right now. Il’ll find it. I know i will. I have to.

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frightening

reading about trump’s plan on immigration is frightening. he has already proposed a wall that is such a waste of money. increasing border control would be a better approach in handling this but this is trump – he needs to see something tangible to say it’s his even if it’s worthless. he has stopped the refugee settlement program which is very uncharitable. and the scariest part, is that he has blocked people from entering the US even if you are a green card holder, or a US visa holder. you cannot enter the US while the ban is on. Downright frightening.

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intermittent fasting fail

I am toying with the idea of going into a cutting phase to decrease my body fat. I already calculated that I need to consume around 1500-1600 calories everyday to be in a calorie deficit. Right now, I am reading about LeanGains which is a type of intermittent fasting. Basically you fast for 16 hours and just eat within an 8 hour window. I thought of doing one today and just eat at 12 skipping breakfast. Well, I arrived at work and it’s donut day. Donut won… so maybe another day. For now, it’s just an idea.

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quickeroo updateoo

I survived my first bout of sickness for 2017. After spending my MLK weekend in Chicago, I contracted flu and I had to take 2 days off to rest and get better. I think I overestimated myself and the late nights and drinking took its toll. It’s something that I need to learn better as I grow older.

As usual, I am horrible in updating this space. I told myself that I will be better but laziness gets the better of me. I cannot even say that I am swamped with work because I am not. I just cannot find the strength to write down my thoughts and post it. I started a similar post but it ended up getting deleted. I need to stop being too hard on myself. No one is judging.

So let me try to go stream of consciousness mode and write stuff down:

– MLK weekend in Chicago. I tried to be spontaneous on this one. I was flip-flopping on this trip because of the weather. There was some forecast for icy rain weather so driving would have been treacherous. Luckily, there was a window on Friday and I grabbed that one to drive up to Chicago. It was an easy drive and Chicago weather was not that terrible at all — no complaints there. It’s the same old story in Chicago for me. Hang out with Joel, eat, go out in Lakeview and eat some more. What’s new is I got towed!!!! On Sunday, my car got towed because the towers did not see my car as an allowed parker. Apparently, the limit is around just 2 extra parkers. That’s $100 down the drain. I was finally able to try Peking Duck from Sun Wah which was amazing, and visited Seafood City as well! Before driving back to Cincinnati, I went to Seafood City again to grab a Jollibee lunch (chicken joy FTW) and bought food for the Cincinnati folks. For me, I just bought one whole chocolate mousse from Red Ribbon. It was amazing.

– Trump inauguration. He is officially the president of the USA and it’s very depressing as well. I want to give him a chance but news as of late prove that the causes I believe in won’t see the light of day while Trump and his congress are there. I am afraid for the people who are deeply affected by his presidency and policies and hopefully, we can make him a 1-term president. If nothing goes wrong, I can apply for naturalization in 2019 so I can vote in 2020! I cannot wait to finally be heard in the political discussion here. I posted a separate entry about the Women’s March and to this day, it still gives me chills!

– While in Chicago, I watched La-La Land. I don’t know if my taste has changed drastically but it did not really do much for me. It is good and well made but I think I am looking for something more thought provoking as of late. When I watched The Arrival, I was  blown away with its premise and made me think more about it after the movie. With this movie, it felt like a steady one note movie that just delivered okay in my books. It will most likely garner a lot of accolades in the Oscars with all the buzz its getting. Good for them I guess.

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women’s march

yesterday, the he who must not be named got sworn in as the 45th president in the us. I tried my best to ignore it and move forward with my day. good thing I am nursing a flu that started last Tuesday so it was not that difficult. today is the women’s march in washington that aims to promote democratic ideals of women’s rights, equality, immigration protection and other important issues that are now in danger due to the trump administration.

it gives me chills and makes my heart swell that we are witnessing this show of public outcry. people will not be silent even if the system seems to be against them. it’s a show that people are willing to take time to protest what is important to them.

today is definitely a better day.

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#69 2016 Sum up

I’m in Paul so I realized that I should go old school and write stuff but will just type it out later when I get back in my hotel. This brings back good memories of my short stint in France with writing and people watching while eating a chocolate eclair. The life then!

So what do I think of 2016? It’s been quite a year of change again for me. I say it every year already because there are just big changes happening every year. No complaints to be honest. Maybe that’s why I am changing my goal planning ways. In 2015, I changed jobs and that was big for me. This year, the biggest one is buying a house. It’s major because it really sets me up for a few more years here in Cincinnati. When I bought the house, I practically signed myself up here to stay for at least 4 more years. It’s not that terrible here in Cincinnati but I know that I won’t be happy here. Not the same way I would feel in a city like Seattle, Chicago or DC. Cincinnati offers something else. Another big change for me is related to my knee. I had to stop volleyball due to knee pain. I went to doctors and did various treatment plans to salvage what’s left of my knee and get back to playing volleyball. As of today, it’s still not fixed and the feeling is really devastating. I am giving myself one more moth and if my knee is not better, I really need to find another hobby.

Around the world, change has also been a big theme. Duterte won in the Philippines. That made me feel bad because I was rooting for Grace Poe who did not win. But, I figured I won’t be affected much since I’m living here in the US. But, when Trump won the presidency, that totally depressed the shit out of me. For a full week, I just cannot motivate myself. How could he win after all he said and promised to do? It was sad and only a big ass TV made me feel better.

In terms of my 2016 data, finances are down due to the house and expenses associated to it. The London trip planned this year did not happen. I’m 154 lbs now due to lack of cardio. With all of this, I have learned more with homeownership. I am doing better in terms of weight training because that’s all I can focus on. I watch more shows and movies because that’s all I can do. Time as a resource is up this year because the 8 hours of volleyball just got freed up. I cook more things because I have the time and I just let my friends my guinea pigs.

So 2016 is a mixed bag for me. it’s good that it forced my hand to do/commit on things but they do not really made me happier. It give me direction and more insights that I will not do if I am not forced into it. I think I’m a good firefighter in that sense.