Feeling inutile

Do you get that feeling that if you disappear from the world, there will be no impact? I’ve been feeling really useless at work, and what I have been contributing to the world. The days of trying to making a dent in human history is over. I do not aspire to change the world anymore. That belonged to the idealistic Ryan during my college days. Now, I just want to amount to something even if it’s small. I want to be able to have some weight to someone/something that can be recognized, and have the semblance that I matter.

Foodie Break

Yesterday, I went to Indianapolis for the day just to escape from Cincy life and force myself to do something new / different. The objective was to try two food places – Milktooth and Kizuki.

I learned of Milktooth through a Conde Nast list of the best restaurants in the world. So being a foodie and the place being so near, I wanted to try it. My first attempt was a fail a year ago because the line was just too crazy. The article also just came out then so that might be a big factor. This time, I went around 12:30pm (so the brunch crowd should have left). Food was good and very creative. I tried the Glazed Bacon, Bread Waffle, Rasberry & Hazelnut Croissant and their Tres Leches Iced Latte. They were very good, but nothing that really made me say “wow” or “this is the best thing I’ve eaten”. So it’s not an Annabel’s, Bella Luna or Mama’s experience for me.

Kizuki is a recommendation of Brian during his usual travels to the area. I’ve always been searching for great ramen but it’s just a pain to find one in Cincinnati. The one near Dayton is probably one of the better ones here. I tried their Traditional Garlic Tonkotsu Ramen and it was very tasty and flavorful… maybe too flavorful. I will have to try the Low Sodium version next time I visit but it’s definitely ramen that I’ll want to try again.

Shake It Off

For the past few days, I have been feeling uninspired, and heavy. I do not feel motivated at all even to eat out or play volleyball. I am just pushing forward with my day-to-day activities because that’s how a high functioning individual should be. Usually, I get into these spells of depression where I just languish and feel dull. It’s been unshakable for the past few days since coming out of my Chicago trip.

This feeling is magnified when I play this new mobile game called Everwing weirdly. I do not know if the rise of cortisol due to the game is causing this but I am thinking of taking a break from my mobile apps over the weekend. If the weather is good, I might just drive somewhere and do a Mental Health day to clear my mind and hopefully it refreshes me with new spirit. I’m also hoping that my Montreal trip will do wonders with my mood. If this still does not work, maybe a trip to the doctor is warranted.

NAGVA nationals

  • NAGVA Nationals happened last weekend in Columbus. I got picked up by Interracial Sets, a west coast team. We seeded 23 out of 35 in the end and I think we did not okay considering that we just played together for the first time and we kept on adjusting.
  • One of the teachable moments was when two of our players overslept and did not show up in our first game during Day 2 of Pool Play. We were obliterated during the game because from DS, I had to play opposite/setter which I can probably wing, but I was not ready for it and the team was strong (Pop Tarts). My team mates were apologetic and personally, I was not invested enough to be cranky.
  • I realized that I just want to be competitive — meaning I do not want a recreational team. But, I do not want to be part of an ultra-competitive team as well. There’s just so much stress that is tied to that. And, my normal team is moving to that direction with the aggressive recruitment and discussions. Too much pressure! No thanks!
  • It’s already Wednesday but I still feel like there’s a cloud in my head. It just means that I am not yet fully recovered. Next NAGVA is going to be Chicago for 4th of July. I’m excited for that as well since I have not played in that league ever.

Updates

Before anything, Macron is projected to win the French elections by a very huge margin. I am pretty happy about this news because my political beliefs are more within the mainstream rather than LePen’s. I just hope we can all go back to sane government, and more inclusive policies.

Another thing I am happy about is that I have reached my 15% body fat goal! It is a milestone in my self-improvement plan. It has been such a challenge for me to lose all the weight I gained over the years that I could not shake off. What I need to work on next is building more strength and muscle which has been another struggle for me. Let’s see if I can get this done before summer starts.

Other small updates that I have:

  • Fun times yesterday! Played in LA Fitness volleyball with good players. I saw Max Holt and his brother, Sam played with us there. He’s super good! Then, I went to Columbus to watch NCAA Championships between Ohio State and BYU. Big win for the Buckeyes! Go O-H-I-O! (Yes, supporting Ohio State since I’m from Ohio)
  • I’ll be playing for NAGVA nationals as a DS for a California team, Interracial Sets. It’s gonna be the first time that I will play with complete strangers. I am excited and also anxious because I always felt inadequate socially.
  • After that, I am back to my original team in NAGVA. PokPoks for Chicago during 4th of July weekend.
  • Montreal trip has been booked from July 27-30. I still need to work on my hotels then I should be all set there.
  • Semi-work, I will be going to some off-site training and that means I can do a full weekend in New York! I have not been there since 2012 so I am pretty psyched about it. I still need to work on the my hotel so hopefully I get that sorted.
  • The ultimate travel this year might be my Philippine visit in September. No details yet but it’s currently being planned.
  • Finally, my last baking creation is a Mocha Chiffon Cake with Caramel Icing/Filling. Need to buy a turntable to decorate better. Might need some cake decoration lessons too!

PS: I might do bullet updates in the future. It seems easier and more me – Sporadic and brief.

13 Reasons Why

A few weekends ago, I bingewatched on 13 Reasons Why. After watching the show, I just stopped feeling. I just wanted to curl in my bed away from the world and just let the days go by. The theme was very heavy because it deals with teen suicide and how high school can really mess you up. I can also relate because I felt how Hannah felt. During high shcool, I also had my share of rumors that followed me. We were not mature then and lacked the sense of foresight of seeing consequences. People can be harsh and not everyone has the mental strength to overcome the full force of human cruelty.

I am lucky that I survived with just a few bruises, but what does not kill you makes you stronger. The flipside is that they leave mental scars — memories. You cannot forget the experience you went through. You just hope and pray that you never get in that hell again.

Friendships 

When you were younger, it was easier to make friends. You were forced to be with people in the same place with a common purpose. But, when you become older that becomes more difficult even in similar circumstances. We have a stronger sense of our selves where we know that it’s not gonna work out. You are not forced to be with this person so you can choose to use your time for other things. It becomes easier to dismiss relationships because we can. You know that if this person is not with you, you will be okay.

What brought this about? Three instances. The first is with friends falling out. There are just friendships that as you grow older, you realize it’s not working out. You two are just too different. You don’t know this person anymore and sometimes you realize that you’re just keeping the relationship for the sake of history. If you just know this person today, you know that he won’t be your friend.

Second is with building friendships. I have this mindset that if the two of us share some interests or values, we can be BFFs. It does not work that way because it takes two to tango to make a friendship. The gravity of the relationship also depend on that. In my situation, I think I am interested in this person too much than I should be. And, clearly, he’s not. So I feel like I’m always chasing and putting all the effort in building something. I hate that feeling.

The last point is with regards to the price of admission. I learned this idea first from Dan Savage. He explained that in a relationship, there are things you choose to accept for the sake of maintaining that relationship. No one is perfect and there are some things that would annoy the hell out of you, and you accept that he’s that way. Believe me, I think of that all the time. Also, I expect them to think that way about me. I am not perfect. I have ideas and habits that can be annoying as shit. But, the adult thing is that you sleep on it and you take a deep breath. The friendship is so much bigger than your pet peeve.