#10 just a series of updates…

I have not blogged much since I fractured my hand. It has been that long already because I have already removed my splint last week. Yep, more than a month where I have neglected this. So, I do not have any good way of updating everything that has happened and thoughts other than just writing down whatever I remember. It’s basic but who’s judging.

  • Just after learning my fracture, I had to fly to Malaysia for a business trip. Living with one functioning hand is very tough. Props to the folks with disabilities!
  • Malaysia was pretty much like how I remembered it to be. It was a typical Southeast Asian country. It is practically like the Philippines.
  • I will have to go back there some time in June-July for another test phase. I am not that excited because I have to choose between Chicago or Sam Smith. Due to some holidays, the earliest I can fly is June 18 if I want to travel back before July 6. If I leave by that date, I will miss the Sam Smith concert on the 23rd. If I leave after the 23rd, it would mean that the trip will be too short if I still leave on the 4th or 5th. The third choice is to just leave on the 24th and return on the 5th. And the final option is not to fly at all during the entire test phase.
  • I made a 36-hour pit stop to the Philippines to visit my parents and met up with some friends. It was too short and so stressful. I hate these short trips.
  • Because of the project timelines, that means that all my travel plans are all up in the air. The only thing certain at the moment is Denver in Memorial Weekend. I need to make that happen. London might happen in August if everything works out.
  • I got an Apple Pencil for my IPad Pro. Using it is so much fun. I wish i am a student once again and i can write my notes and stuff in an iPad. Doing it at work just seems like counterproductive. It’s another device to sync up, versus in school, when i can just use it as my main device.
  • Since i broke my hand, I could not lift properly in the gym. No upper body workouts practically. So all the gains from last year are pretty much gone. I have a few months to fix my shit and be ready for Chicago just in case. Btw, if i chose not to go for Chicago, I will probably hit Phuket. I need a beach.
  • I feel more comfortable with myself. I still feel a bit inadequate, but I think i am getting better in accepting who i am — including my limits and negatives. It is not a walk in the park, but I am trying to be less tense and just be more open.
  • I have also limited myself in dating apps. I just realized how it is sucking so much of my life. I still have a lot of shit to get done and i just dilly-dally swiping or waiting for a hit. Nope. I have to move forward and just see what follows.

Seriously, i need to blog more or do more sketch notes.

Crossing my fingers.

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#9 fracture

I was supposed to blog about my “hand sprain” yesterday but I learned that it’s more serious than I thought. My 4th metacarpal got fractured in volleyball last Monday.

How did it happen? We were doing some hitting warm ups and one of the guys I play with hit the ball going to my head. I tried to deflect it with an overhead pass but my right hand was in an awkward angle. Initially, I thought that it’s just a jammed finger which is pretty normal in volleyball so I still stayed and played. Unfortunately, swelling started to form. I knew by then that it’s not just as jam but most likely a sprain.

I did my RICE first aid and went on my day yesterday but my hand was not improving. I wrote to my PCP to check if I should see him then have an X-ray or if he gives me an X-ray referral and depending on the results, set up an appointment. In my mind, I know something was not right. And having past injuries from volleyball, I am more cautious and try to get a proper prognosis.

My doctor gave me the referral and had my X-ray done immediately. I wanted the peace of mind. I was still joking around with the X-ray person about typing and going on with my day. When she told me they maybe I should stop doing those and showed me my X-ray. It was a clear break. Yikes.

My doctor called me and advised to go to an urgent Care. I was given a splint and another doctor’s appointment tomorrow. What a week?! I already thought that having to have my roof replaced was bad enough but this tops that.

The only silver lining is that I’m left handed and my injury is on my right hand so I am not an invalid. I can still go on with my day but just slower. More updates when I get them.

#8 HTNGAF

Work has been pretty frustrating to me lately, and I am trying to really get over it so I can just move on. I have the tendency to care too much so if something does not go my way, I get really emotional. I feel like the effort and thought I put into it is just gone. And, if the alternative is just plain wrong (in my opinion), I just feel defeated and disengaged.

I am thinking now — how to not give a fuck?! How can I just do what I am supposed to do, and really do it well. Why do I try to care for things that are not under my control or job? I really need to step back and have a good look about things that I should give my time and devotion. I need to learn when to speak my mind and when I should just shut up. If it fails, it fails. If it prospers, good job to whoever thought of it.

Still thinking how I can nip it from the start. Thoughts?

#7 time to be more focused

I have lost some focus lately. I am way behind on my chores and my ever growing to-do list. Work is slowing things down as well, but I know that I need to be focused again and not lose the drive to reach my goals this year. I have not been tracking my diet so I also need to be diligent on that as well. At least, one accomplishment I had this week was setting up Trello for work and personal life and automated some of the recurring activities I do. IFTTT is amazing.

On another note, I really suffer from analysis paralysis. I just cannot decide on things easily. Yesterday, I spent an hour checking hair dryers in Target because I can not decide which one I should get. I really need to work on that. Mental note: Read about LPT on analysis paralysis.

#6 another mealprep

I think I went overboard with meal prepping this weekend. I cooked 2 steaks, 5 chicken breast dishes, chicken adobo, rice, and also made ensaymada. I do love my sous vide because I was able to do different marinades for my chicken in one go! So that was pretty good.

I met up with Small Drew for lunch today today. The last time I saw him was during Louisville! I can’t believe it’s been that long. Well, I have not been playing volleyball so that was a big contributing factor. Speaking of volleyball, I played last Thursday in LA Fitness so I can also give Jamie my donation. I played terribly as predicted. I think it’s time to start looking into the fundamentals again and relearn proper mechanics. Yesterday, I met up with Brian and I also met up with JV over coffee and gym. See, I can be social.

I remember one article called Showing Up: The Single Most Important Thing a Friend Can Do. As we age and we get caught up in our lives, one thing a friend can probably do is just to be there. I liked this because I think that’s what friendship is. Having interest and being able to be there for you. Not all the time, and you might just see each other a few times, but you still show up. Before I sleep (it’s 1130!), I leave this quote I found that is apt:

Note to self

#4 weekend in the kitchen

We got a long weekend because of MLK Day. Unfortunately, it was also bad weather weekend. Friday night there was snow and so was Monday. So, I didn’t really do much but I just went to the usual gym and did some grocery runs and I had dinner yesterday at green papaya.Something notable so over the week and less about my cooking. On Saturday, I attempted to make focaccia but it was a fail. My dell didn’t rise up so I had to throw it away. The next day though I got another recipe for focaccia and it was very successful. Thank you Paul Hollywood for the recipe!

Then yesterday, I made cha misua. I’ve been craving it for a few years now because the last time I ate it was in 2016. I can only eat it when my mom would cook it. I asked her for the ingredients because she doesn’t keep a recipe and then I found another recipe online which I tried. It was OK. It did not taste like how my mom makes it but it would suffice for now. Irene tried it earlier and I knew it lacked in seasoning. I guess attempt 2 will be the deciding factor.

I felt a bit lonely this evening. May usual issue bubbled up this evening but I was able to manage it a bit by doing some deep breathing and watching YouTube videos. I’m glad that I can somewhat cope already when the ruminations appear, but at the same time, I feel inadequate because I am just coping but not really fixing why I feel this way. I am not sure if it’s something that I can fix ever. I need to learn how to pivot and define my own definition of success and not really think about what others are achieving. Just take it one day at a time and hope that it gets better.

#3 Aphantasia

I stumbled upon aphantasia in Reddit and I realized that how I “imagine” is not normal. I never knew it is not how people do it. Aphantasia is a condition where you cannot form mental images in your mind. I cannot conjure an image of my friends or family in my head, but I just know it though from memory.

Growing up, I’ve always thought I had very poor imagination. I cannot write/draw the same thing over and over again. I struggle with creating art because I cannot really have a picture in my mind that I can reference with. What I think today will be different later on. But, if I have an image or something to copy, I can pretty much do it. It’s pretty weird. For example, I know what the color blue is. But, I cannot visualize the sky for example that’s color blue. The feeling is like you close your eyes, and you still see some light and it just moves around. That’s about it. I never saw colors in my mind and dreaming for me is a rarity. The interesting though is that when I read, I can “imagine the scene” but it has no color and no details. I just know the the scene but I could not retain it at all.

This coming week, I will not watch any YouTube videos or watch things online. I will read and let my mind wander around and see if I really have aphantasia or I just cannot imagine anymore because of all the media I consume.