The journey going here has been very difficult for me personally. I felt torn between reaching my dreams and leaving people/things behind. They were mutually exclusive — going to Cincinnati would also mean leaving behind Philippines where the people/things dear to me are located.
What surprised me was the amount of emotions I’ve poured out. It all started after my final off site with the SDS team. Returning back to Manila from Batangas, I realized that it was the last off site for me. I do not think that the US team will have something similar. So, I would leave behind all the employee engagement and fun activities that my team has. After that, it all went downhill. The first time I cried was when I heard my parents talking and it hit me suddenly, I’m not going to hear those snippets anymore. I felt my chest tighten and my tears began to flow. It was surreal. It was not me at all. I cried in front of my The_Court friends, my HP friends and also my parents. It’s definitely a life-altering experience that made me realize how human I can be.
I was telling my friends that I never expected it to be this difficult emotionally. It should have been a moment of celebration. After years of hard work, I achieved my dream. It should have been a testament that with focus and perseverance, you can make your dreams come true. However, the opportunity cost weighed down. Moving to another country that’s oceans apart also meant that I’m physically separating myself from my family, friends and my Manila life.
As an only child, I knew that my departure will be difficult for my parents. I rationalized that this has to happen sometime and I will never find a good time. What I did not expect is how it hit me as well. I’ve always dreamt of living independently, but the process of starting this has been painful. I had this notion of permanence when it comes to them. My friends might come and go, but I know that my parents will always be there. They will remain to be flawed people who genuinely care for my well-being.
Fast forward to today, I’m in Cincinnati. I’m still trying to make sense of everything. So far, everything is moving forward. It annoys me that I have so many administrative items I still need to do related to this move. It’s necessary but tough. I will survive though.