I wish I can easily know what to do in my life. I have this notion in my head that others have it easy because they are passionate about something. Fashion, environment, fitness, beauty, religion, politics, family and the list goes on. My problem is that I don’t have that natural excitement that drives me to grow a hobby or interest that I can say, “I’m really passionate about this!”. I end up just being okay with being able to experience or try it, but not really embracing it. I haven’t tried a lot of things, but I’ve tried things that can be out of my comfort zone, but I ultimately lose interest and just go back to laying on my couch watching some good ole’ TV. Sedentary life is the life.

The lack of follow through can be debilitating. I call it my inertia. Some friends told me to try more things and “test” if I find it as my calling, but the lack of motivation is the killer. The idea sounds good, but dragging my ass out of my apartment and actually doing it is the tough part. I’ve been raised to have tangible results or positive reinforcements that make me strive for it. I do it not because I like it, but because it’s a pathway to something I want — enablers for something that I want. It’s easier if there’s a dangling reward or result I am trying to achieve, but the constant struggle to motivate myself is just difficult.

In all honesty, I am making excuses. At the end of the day, my greatest barrier is myself. It also seems the easiest to resolve because it’s controllable. I can actually decide to just F this ennui and do something. But for that, I need a reason. I need a compelling reason that will change this status quo in my head.


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