I’ve been struggling personally in the idea of turning 30. I wrote a bunch of drafts that reflect my feelings on growing older and feeling disappointed with how things turned out. It made me realize how much expectation I’ve put on me even if I usually say that it’s better to be pleasantly surprised than be disappointed. I was disappointed.
When I was younger, I told my self that I wanted to achieve 2 things before I was 30 — (1) move to another country and, (2) settle down with someone. I figured having an IT degree and career can make things easier achieving this considering how globalized we are now. I joined interesting orgs and activities so I can have some X-Factor during job hunting. I thought learning a western language (German) can give me a shot in moving somewhere in Europe. In hindsight, I should have chosen French or Spanish, but that’s all moot. I worked hard at work because I knew that building a good reputation and credibility at work can open up doors. Most things were all directed to achieve those goals. I achieved 1 out of 2. I don’t know when the 2nd will happen. That disappointed the achiever in me.
It was a bit difficult for me the whole month of July because of my inner disappointment and anxiety with being 30s, and also the demands of my new work in California. It was really driving me crazy and I just got a reprieve when I had a 3-day break in Chicago and a 1-day staycation here in Cincinnati. I kinda sorted it out eventually especially being able to talk to good friends and looking at things with the right perspective.
What did I figure out? I should be grateful and thankful. Appreciate the things you have and continuously work on things you want to achieve. Finding someone is still in the list, but I figured that something is more paramount than that — being happy alone. It’s not because I think this is the end point of my life but just a possibility. All I need is to make the most of life! It’s funny reading a blog entry when I turned 20 and thinking things through already. I was at that stage when all I wanted in life was to leave a mark in this world. How things change! Now, all I want is how I can live and enjoy it? I am at the start of my 30s and I’m very excited because of all the options available to me now. I am still worried a bit, but what keeps me at ease is that I have time and the resources. I just need to find the right mix to make it work for me. If I find someone, then that’s a bonus! Now, I’m 30 years and 5 days old and I’m loving it. :-)