The Wall

I have been really stressed out for the past few weeks. There are many things going on in my life and they are starting to overwhelm me. I am usually fine managing things that I can control or influence, but the stressors lately have been things that I cannot control. There’s just so much uncertainty, and the tension is so thick that I just want to run away. A big part of me just want to escape the madness and start anew. I wish it’s that easy.

Don’t fret. I am talking to someone. I think that’s a good step for me. I need to address this. She’s helping me overcome some of the things that has been bothering me. My last assignment was to identify/list down things that contribute to the “wall”. I was the one who coined this during my last talk. The wall is this barrier that induces anxiety inside, and hinders me from connecting with the people around me. I think it’s more or less social anxiety. My mind plays tricks on me causing me to be defensive or not engage at all. It’s just my mind and body seems to be in self-preservation mode when faced with new people. Connecting to new people has been really tough for me since I moved here. I realized earlier that since I moved here in Cincinnati in 2011, I have not built a lot of relationships around me. Most of them are in my Filipino circle. Even the new friends I met in Chicago are Filipinos. I continue to stick in my comfort zone and let my anxiety get the better of me. I get intimidated by the “different one” and that prevents myself from connecting deeper to the new people around me. I lost my ability to build deep friendships with people. I don’t know why and what caused this, but it’s something I need to work on. I need to chip away this “wall”. I need to change this thinking that I am not good enough for other people. I need to stop judging myself against this self-imposed standard that is impossible to meet. I need to be present and grow. This is the demon I need to face and conquer. I need to believe in myself again. As what Mama Ru has said, “if you can’t love yourself, how in the hell are you gonna love somebody else?”



taking action.

i feel better. that’s good news and i hope it continues moving in this positive direction. it’s still early if i’ll feel this way long term, but i’ll take what i can.

i don’t know how to describe my week to be honest. i think it was pretty good considering all the choices i had to make. a part of me is just relieved that i took action and that’s over, but there’s also that part where you just second guess yourself and continue to ask “is this the right decision?” that’s a lesson i need to learn. decide and realize that it can be good and bad, but you roll with it. i’ve always been a weak decision-maker. growing up, i never really had to decide for myself much. my parents decided for me most of the time. so i eventually got used to deferring it to others and just go with the flow. i really have to break that habit.

this week has been a lot of those. i decided that i want to feel better and talked it out with my doctor. i decided on what i want for my career in the next 3-4 years and it’s very exciting in a way. i feel the same way during my early 20s when i worked on my career. i’ve been skating for the past few years letting things just go with it. let others decide and go with it. now, i’m taking it on. let’s see where this leads but it’s going to be challenging and fun for sure.

Adulting vs Millennial In me.

I am faced in a situation where my mind and my heart are not on the same page when it come to deciding. If we just based it on a cost-benefit analysis and look at the facts, the decision is so clear for Choice A overwhelmingly. However, the case of Choice B is very strong because of some sentimental and emotional aspects. They are making things tough for me to just bite the bullet and go for Choice A. The millennial in me that seeks purpose, value and impact screams Choice B, and the mid-30 year old in me that looks into the long term goals and stability is for Choice A.

This is really tearing me apart because I know the bitter pill is to go for Choice A and make the most out of it. I need to stop looking at absolutes, and look at things objectively and accept compromises. Then move forward. Easier said than done, right?

manila, manila…

After 2 years, I visited Manila once again. Going to Manila has always been stressful for me. I do not consider it as pure relaxing vacation, but a duty to maintain ties with family and friends. For this trip, the main purpose was to attend Cookie’s wedding. My schedule worked with her wedding date and it was just the right length of time to spend it in Manila. I wished I have a weekend though so I could have traveled somewhere else. It will be something I will consider in my next trip to the PH.

Some notable things that happened in this trip

  • Cookie’s wedding was beautiful! I wish the weather was less humid during the day though!
  • it was sheer luck that Trisha is also in Manila during my trip so I was able to spend some time with her and the other Dabuzz folks.
  • I was supposed to head to Baguio with the parents, but they begged off form it. It was probably for the best because my aunt passed away that Sunday. If we pushed thru with the trip, we would have headed back earlier.
  • I stayed in an AirBnB in Ortigas and a hotel in Makati during some of the days where I know I will be spending with friends and I might get home late. The two places I found were pretty good and I will most likely repeat the same thing when I visit in the future.
  • I probably gained a bit of weight and lost some muscle because of my diet and the lack of any gym workout.

NYC and Authenticity

I had an awesome time in New York. I was able to explore NYC before and after my training in Crotonville. I still cannot see my self living there because of all the chaos and expensiveness but it’s a city that has everything indeed. I still have a lot of things to do so I will definitely return here some day.

My training was so great. Even if it’s a leadership training, I learned a lot. Usually, I feel like these kinds of trainings are good for exposure and networking. However, this training really made me face things that I didn’t want to hear and learned some things new. If I can sum it up…

– my decisions are shaped by my personal values.

– my self-perception can be different with how others perceive me.

– realizing my values, strengths, emotional triggers can help me be more successful as a leader.

I feel so energized and ready to get back to work. There are concrete things that I need to face and work on and I am happy I was given the opportunity to face them and ultimate address them.

New york

I'm off to New York for my first GE Crotonville training. I decided to go on a Saturday so I can have an extra day in NYC. Irene and I will meet up on Friday after my training for more NYC exploration.

I'm very excited about this training because I know it's going to be an experience. How I will play this out is the unknown. As a natural introvert, dealing with people drains the hell out of me. This is magnified with new people because my brain goes overdrive to make sure there's no dead air, and I don't look like a loser.

Anyway, that's tomorrow until Friday. Today, I will meet up with Eric and get my Shake Shack fix. That's already a big win.