For the past few days, I have been feeling uninspired, and heavy. I do not feel motivated at all even to eat out or play volleyball. I am just pushing forward with my day-to-day activities because that’s how a high functioning individual should be. Usually, I get into these spells of depression where I just languish and feel dull. It’s been unshakable for the past few days since coming out of my Chicago trip.
This feeling is magnified when I play this new mobile game called Everwing weirdly. I do not know if the rise of cortisol due to the game is causing this but I am thinking of taking a break from my mobile apps over the weekend. If the weather is good, I might just drive somewhere and do a Mental Health day to clear my mind and hopefully it refreshes me with new spirit. I’m also hoping that my Montreal trip will do wonders with my mood. If this still does not work, maybe a trip to the doctor is warranted.
Before anything, Macron is projected to win the French elections by a very huge margin. I am pretty happy about this news because my political beliefs are more within the mainstream rather than LePen’s. I just hope we can all go back to sane government, and more inclusive policies.
Another thing I am happy about is that I have reached my 15% body fat goal! It is a milestone in my self-improvement plan. It has been such a challenge for me to lose all the weight I gained over the years that I could not shake off. What I need to work on next is building more strength and muscle which has been another struggle for me. Let’s see if I can get this done before summer starts.
Other small updates that I have:
- Fun times yesterday! Played in LA Fitness volleyball with good players. I saw Max Holt and his brother, Sam played with us there. He’s super good! Then, I went to Columbus to watch NCAA Championships between Ohio State and BYU. Big win for the Buckeyes! Go O-H-I-O! (Yes, supporting Ohio State since I’m from Ohio)
- I’ll be playing for NAGVA nationals as a DS for a California team, Interracial Sets. It’s gonna be the first time that I will play with complete strangers. I am excited and also anxious because I always felt inadequate socially.
- After that, I am back to my original team in NAGVA. PokPoks for Chicago during 4th of July weekend.
- Montreal trip has been booked from July 27-30. I still need to work on my hotels then I should be all set there.
- Semi-work, I will be going to some off-site training and that means I can do a full weekend in New York! I have not been there since 2012 so I am pretty psyched about it. I still need to work on the my hotel so hopefully I get that sorted.
- The ultimate travel this year might be my Philippine visit in September. No details yet but it’s currently being planned.
- Finally, my last baking creation is a Mocha Chiffon Cake with Caramel Icing/Filling. Need to buy a turntable to decorate better. Might need some cake decoration lessons too!
PS: I might do bullet updates in the future. It seems easier and more me – Sporadic and brief.
A few weekends ago, I bingewatched on 13 Reasons Why. After watching the show, I just stopped feeling. I just wanted to curl in my bed away from the world and just let the days go by. The theme was very heavy because it deals with teen suicide and how high school can really mess you up. I can also relate because I felt how Hannah felt. During high shcool, I also had my share of rumors that followed me. We were not mature then and lacked the sense of foresight of seeing consequences. People can be harsh and not everyone has the mental strength to overcome the full force of human cruelty.
I am lucky that I survived with just a few bruises, but what does not kill you makes you stronger. The flipside is that they leave mental scars — memories. You cannot forget the experience you went through. You just hope and pray that you never get in that hell again.
When you were younger, it was easier to make friends. You were forced to be with people in the same place with a common purpose. But, when you become older that becomes more difficult even in similar circumstances. We have a stronger sense of our selves where we know that it’s not gonna work out. You are not forced to be with this person so you can choose to use your time for other things. It becomes easier to dismiss relationships because we can. You know that if this person is not with you, you will be okay.
What brought this about? Three instances. The first is with friends falling out. There are just friendships that as you grow older, you realize it’s not working out. You two are just too different. You don’t know this person anymore and sometimes you realize that you’re just keeping the relationship for the sake of history. If you just know this person today, you know that he won’t be your friend.
Second is with building friendships. I have this mindset that if the two of us share some interests or values, we can be BFFs. It does not work that way because it takes two to tango to make a friendship. The gravity of the relationship also depend on that. In my situation, I think I am interested in this person too much than I should be. And, clearly, he’s not. So I feel like I’m always chasing and putting all the effort in building something. I hate that feeling.
The last point is with regards to the price of admission. I learned this idea first from Dan Savage. He explained that in a relationship, there are things you choose to accept for the sake of maintaining that relationship. No one is perfect and there are some things that would annoy the hell out of you, and you accept that he’s that way. Believe me, I think of that all the time. Also, I expect them to think that way about me. I am not perfect. I have ideas and habits that can be annoying as shit. But, the adult thing is that you sleep on it and you take a deep breath. The friendship is so much bigger than your pet peeve.
Another Chicago trip in the books for me. This is the most low key though for me since I just went here to wish Joel a safe trip and say goodbye to his old apartment. Yes, he’s moving out already so when I head back to Chicago to visit Joel, it will be to a different location. In this trip, my car got towed again! Grrrr. It’s annoying because I already followed the instructions when I was towed a few months back and here I am. Doing it all over again. I just hope I get a full refund this time around because it’s ridiculous.
I forgot to post about my Cincinnati NAGVA experience last weekend. It was fun even if we didn’t really do well. Personally, I just wanted to check how my knee will hold up during a tournament and the good news is that I survived with flying colors. I also god awarded the Defense Diva for the B pool play. Hashtag validation. That means that I am back in the tournament circuit but the year that I’m off really taught me that I should better manage my priorities and even if I love volleyball, I like to travel for leisure. I am still on the fence for Chicago NAGVA because it falls on the 4th of July weekend. Do I really wanna play volleyball during that potential 4 day weekend or should I go to a beach somewhere. Decisions, decisions, decisions….
Other than that, nothing major really has been happening. I’m still in my intermittent fasting thing and I am around 144lbs. I need to fix my lean muscle mass so I might start bulking more and lowering carbs further. I’ve been off the “apps” and it feels rather mixed. A part of me feels liberated that I can just reallocate my time to other productive means but a part of me is also anxious that it’s really not helping me out in meeting people. It’s a trade off at the moment and it’s pretty healthy that I am focuisng more on me and my ginormous to do list.
Also, here are some things I still wanna do or achieve:
- Buy pillows, nightstand and table for my guest room. It sounds simple but it’s a struggle for me
- Buy office cabinet for other room.
- Figure out 4th of July weekend
- Travel plans with Irene to NYC
- Get in Columbus championships for NAGVA
- increase Lean muscle mass and decrease body fat to 15%
I can’t believe that it’s already been 2 months since I have started Intermittent Fasting! I am still happy with the results. I am at 144.6 lbs this weekend and that makes me total weight loss of 10 lbs! It’s started me thinking if I should start doing a clean bulk now. i did another roll of shame today. I’ve been stuck at 145# in my bench press and maybe I am not eating enough now. I just need to build more strength and maybe add more accessory exercises. Let’s see.
And before I forget, I need to learn the following this spring/summer: how to take care of my lawn, and how to grill.